Getting to know someone isn’t an easy process. I’m speaking in general terms here. Whatever the circumstances are for getting to know someone; whether it’s a relationship pertaining to a job, a sports team, a club, a church, or a spouse, it usually—maybe always—involves significant effort. We don’t just naturally click with people, at least not in the long term. We can hit it off with someone initially, or for a short time; recognizing common sentiments, or tastes, or attitudes, but over time differences become apparent. I’m discounting motives here. If we’re looking to fill a need or accomplish a goal that can’t be done without the engagement with someone else, we’ll connect with someone out of necessity, and in the process we may or may not get to know them except as it pertains to the accomplishment of our goal. That’s a lot of words to say that we may be engaging with someone to fulfill an agenda. The agenda may be beneficial or it may be abusive for the person we’re getting to know.

Sometimes our circumstances force us to get to know someone whether we want to or not. The situation may be the result of choices we made, or they may be the result of something unexpected. In either case we’re presented with a situation that prompts us to get to know someone. An example of a situation of our own choosing is joining a sports team that requires a team effort. You like the sport and you want to play, and in order to do that you have to learn how to work with others, which requires that you get to know your teammates in order to get the job done. Disasters, on the other hand, present an opportunity to get to know people out of necessity in order to insure your—and their—survival. A lot of movies have been made that depict such circumstances. The plot is prompted by a disaster in which survival is achieved through mutual support by those involved: i.e. earthquakes, floods, unexpected warfare, whatever.

There may be rituals or procedures involved in getting to know someone. School teams are supervised by a coach who sets the agenda for participants to engage in the activity of focus. These activities may be physical sports like baseball or football, or they may be intellectual competitions like chess or debates. The development of the skills required for engaging the competition is supervised by the coach; every member of the team needs to get in shape and learn the skills that enable the team to succeed. In this sense there is a type of ritual involved in which members practice the skills involved in order to succeed in the engagement of the activity. Team sports specifically require skills that need to be practiced continuously, producing both physical fitness and the capacity to perform the required skills properly. In this process of training, members become aware of their teammates’ abilities as well as their dispositions. They learn what others are capable of doing and what kind of disposition they have. Some teammates become lifelong friends as a result their involvement, while others only tolerate their teammates in order to accomplish the goals of the team. This goal oriented activity forces people to get to know each other for better or worse.

Another effort for getting to know someone pertains to personal relationships. I’m speaking of boys and girls, men and women, becoming acquainted and getting involved in each other’s lives. Mutual attraction, a fundamental desire for intimacy, and tradition play a role in prompting such involvement. In some respects this is natural. Men and women are drawn to one another. (In discussing this I’m speaking as a Christian informed by the Bible; sentiments promoting a wider take on human sexuality isn’t the focus here.) From this vantage point we can see that getting to know someone of the opposite sex is both a choice we make and, in some ways, a need we have; to what extent it’s needful seems to depend on the individuals involved. As far as the manner in which this process takes place, it can be said that there’s a sort of ritual involved, even in 21^st century America. In other places in the world there are decided protocols that regulate the process. Parents may be involved to the extent that they determine whether the relationship will be allowed to proceed. In America such influence is unusual, and will more likely take the form of advisement that’s accompanied by varying degrees of pressure. Young people are counseled by their parents to make good choices when pursuing a relationship with someone. And those that are informed by traditional (biblical?) values will advise against intimacy until marriage. Of course I’m being simplistic here and speaking from a Christian perspective. That being said, there is a form of ritual involved for Christians young and old who seek to get together. It reminds me of a song that shares its title with this post: “Getting to Know You.” The song is from a movie called “The King and I” in which a British governess becomes familiar with the household of the King of Thailand in the 19^th century. The song considers the process whereby people become acquainted with one another. In the case of men and women, the starting point is often physical appeal, and then they learn things about each other either directly or through others. They learn about each other’s interests; find out where they came from, what their goals are, what direction their life is taking. Along the way they decide whether they like each other, and so on. In some ways this amounts to a form of ritual that’s common within our culture. The process involves spending time together, alone or with other people present; sort of trying on what it’s like to be a couple in various circumstances.

When it comes to relationships within the church, getting to know other folks seems to have a different dynamic. Unlike group sports or personal relationships, the extent to which people get to know each other can vary quite a bit. It’s possible to be a member of some churches without knowing anyone. In general, newcomers are usually allowed to attend service without presenting any qualifications for doing so. Even though some churches may limit participation in some of its activities, in most churches merely attending is allowed for any and all newcomers. When it comes to participating in activities like the Lord Supper, some churches may restrict participation to members, and membership usually involves the assessment of certain qualifications. The Episcopal Church that I grew up in required that people go through a catechism in order to qualify for participation; at least that was the case for members. In other settings restriction to some activities, like the sacrament, is left to the person’s own conscience. Everyone is challenged to determine if they are qualified to engage the activity according to the criteria that’s presented; i.e. do they affirm the Christ, have they repented of known sin, etc. When it comes to membership in a church, qualifying may be based on attending a class that lays out the basic affirmations of the church, along with an indication of agreement with those affirmations. Signing on the dotted line however doesn’t necessarily prompt significant involvement in the church. People may be encouraged to engage in activities other than Sunday worship services: things such as small group meetings and Sunday school classes. But it’s possible to become a member of a church without participating in any activities other than Sunday worship. This is especially true in large churches.

An effort has to be made to become involved in church. And inevitably there will be problems associated with such involvement. I’ve been walking out my faith for over 50 years and there has always been contention in every church that I’ve attended for any length of time. Issues of personality, differences regarding doctrine, contrasting ideas about the goals of the church; etc. etc.; there are always disagreements within the Church. To what extent those problems are allowed to ferment within the congregation, determines the viability of the “ecclesia,” the gathering of true believers. We’re flawed; we need Jesus; and we need to embrace the calling He’s placed on our lives to become children of God who reflect the image of the Christ. It’s not an easy journey, but for those who commit to the process there’s great reward. Much of that process is the result of involvement in the church; God uses the members and the overseers to promote our maturity. (1Timothy 3&4) We become like Jesus as we submit to His lordship and allow Him to work through flawed people who are like-minded and engaged in the same journey. (Colossians 3:16)

However, this transformation of our lives goes beyond our mere involvement in the church. It’s possible to become “effective” members of a church without making real progress in our relationship with the Lord. In some respects this shouldn’t be surprising. Often people labor within the church without really understanding what the call of God is really all about. They attend services regularly; they perform needed functions such as teaching children or maintaining the premises; but they do this without understanding the basic nature of the church, which is a collective of members interacting with one another in order to promote mutual maturity and serve the purposes of the Lord. The maturity that I’m referring to is one in which the members become a reflection of Christ Himself. The Apostle Paul pointed this out saying that the goal amounted to:

…the building up of the body of Christ; until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ. (Ephesians 4:12-13; see also Colossians 1:28)

Without that understanding, attending church and supporting its activities can take on the nature of another ritual. We go to church out of habit, and engage in the functions of the church out of necessity rather than to achieve the goal of Christian maturity. But the scripture tells us involvement is meant to be a means whereby we become more and more like Jesus; and together as a church represent Jesus to a fallen world. (Philippians 3:12-16) But converts—members—need to embrace that call and recognize their participation in the church as a means of fulfilling it. This goes beyond just listening to a sermon each week and offering your services to maintain the building and grounds. Without this understanding and commitment, being part of a church is like being on a sports team where all you do is practice the skills involved in the sport without actually using those skills to play the game. The focus is on the ritual of preparation without meaningful participation. It’s like a man and woman dating each other without ever really getting to know each other, and expecting marriage to complete the task.

The call that we’ve been given is to know the Lord and to serve His purposes. That call involves learning of Him and allowing Him to speak into every aspect of our lives. The means whereby that takes place involves developing a personal relationship with Him informed by the scriptures, and exercised through urgent, well-informed prayer. And it also involves significant engagement with a gathering of like-minded believers. We need to appreciate the goal He has set before us and embrace all the means whereby that goal can be achieved.